The root of resentment is unexpressed needs

Pic: Stocksy

I have news to share: even the coolest of cool guys and gals still have needs and expectations in their relationships. Sometimes, especially in romantic ones, we have trouble expressing these feelings. Maybe we hold back because we don’t want to seem needy. Or perhaps we’re worried about hurting our partner’s feelings, or even scared that if we ask for something, we’ll find out they can’t give it to us, and then what? We might think that our partner should just know, per the arguably problematic social media trend we’re seeing on “if he wanted to, he would”. (I’ll save my rant about that for another time.)

As both a couples therapist and person in a long-term relationship myself, I can tell you that intentionally not communicating about your needs and expectations will most certainly lead to resentment. 

Let's break it down. When you don't express what you need, you’re basically refusing to give your partner a map to you, so they’re left taking a bunch of wrong turns to try and figure you out, while you’re silently seething that they haven’t brought you coffee in bed. Or maybe they cross a boundary that they don’t know is there, and you’re furious with them, but they can’t figure out why. It’s also possible that you just feel small in the relationship, because you’re not allowing yourself to take up space as a full human being with needs. That’s a lonely place to be, for both of you. 

Then there's the disappointment. You're cruising along, expecting your partner to read your mind and fulfill your unspoken wishes. But surprise – they're not mind readers! So when reality doesn't match up with your silent expectations, it's like a punch in the gut. It feels personal, like your partner has chosen not to show up for you. Over time, those disappointments pile up, leaving you feeling let down and bitter as you watch TikToks of boyfriends bringing their partners flowers and treats and breakfast in bed, because, if they wanted to, they would…right?

Let's not forget about conflict. Conflict is a part of any healthy relationship. But when you're harboring unexpressed needs, those arguments can turn messy very quickly. Instead of addressing the root cause, you're dancing around the actual issue - those unexpressed needs and expectations you haven’t yet communicated.  

So here's the deal: if you want to keep your relationships healthy and happy, you have to break the silence. I acknowledge that this can be a big, scary challenge. Especially for women who were never taught how to speak about needs, and who get slammed by society for taking up any space at all. For your own sake, the sake of your relationship, and as a little act of rebellion against the patriarchy, I urge you: let your needs be known, loud and clear. It might feel awkward or stilted at first but open communication is a critical piece to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Your partner will be relieved at not having to play the guessing game anymore. And, you deserve to be a full human, needs and all.

Written by: Alyza Moore, MA, LPC