Matrescence Series Part 5: The Fifth Trimester
[Disclaimer: I wrote this before The U.S. Surgeon General declared parental stress a public health issue. Now more than ever, it’s important for us to take care of ourselves in the midst of a system that doesn’t support working parents. Although this post isn’t a solution to these systemic issues, I hope it gives you pause, some ideas on how to think about this next phase in your Matrescence.]
It happened both times I was on maternity leave: the weeks leading up to my return to work were filled with angst and panic, talking endlessly to my close friends, family, and husband about how I could find a way to work less. Both times, I went so far as reaching out to my boss at the time about changing my hours or even my role at work. [It’s HUGELY important for me to acknowledge and give a huge shout out to my boss at the time. She was and is the most understanding and empathetic boss I’ve ever had in my life–she took the time to listen to my worries and did help me rearrange my work hours, something I know is a privilege. It’s a privilege to even have a job that I could take leave from, even if most of it was unpaid.] I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving this little baby at barely 12 weeks. In a perfect world, we’d have more time off to recover physically and mentally, and acclimate to this new, incredibly stressful identity.
Largely because the United States’ Family Leave Medical Act allows 12 weeks of job protection, many women are faced with going back to work at that time–the fifth trimester. It’s as big of an adjustment as any of the previous trimesters, with seemingly the least amount of help or discussion about how to navigate it. It’s made easier when your partner is supportive and willing to take on half of the mental load (required reading for any couple about to have a baby: Fair Play by Eve Rodsky). It should also be highlighted that someone who is not going back to work in the traditional sense is still experiencing a fifth trimester and still needs emotional support, help with things around the house, and some time away from home.
No matter what your fifth trimester looks like, I think there are a few practical tips that can be helpful. The first, and this is generally a good first step for any life transition, is to acknowledge and name your feelings. It will ground you in the present moment and at times, a simple acknowledgement is enough to quell the intensity of whatever feeling you’re having. [Bonus points for starting it with, “I’m noticing that I’m feeling…” I’m noticing that I’m feeling dread and panic about going back to work. Framing our feelings like this allows room for them to change versus an affirmative I’m panicking about going back to work leaves little room for any other feeling. I’m noticing that I feel excited about going back also leaves room for the natural anxieties to creep in as they come up.]
A second tip, that is also a good second tip for after acknowledging anything, is practice taking true, deep breaths. It will be hard to feel anything helpful when our nervous system is in fight, flight, or freeze mode–and leaving our baby at 4, 6, 8, or 12 weeks old can surely activate that response. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or drawn out; breathe in for 4, hold for a couple seconds, and then exhale until you can’t exhale anymore. Do this a few times and your nervous system will simmer back down. Breathing through a difficult feeling, although uncomfortable, is the quickest way to being able to get back to making helpful and rational decisions at this critical time in your Matrescence journey.
Before you go back to work, some preparation is helpful of course, but ultimately, the plan, the schedule, the dividing of household responsibilities should be fluid, something you and your partner return to after a few weeks of living in this new world. Weekly or bi-weekly meetings with partners and spouses are becoming increasingly more popular and I am so here for that–this cuts down on the possibility of arguments throughout the week about the routine or household tasks because you know that there’s a special time set aside where it’s all going to be aired out. It’s like a safety net. If something isn’t working for you, you have permission to try and initiate a change.
The night before you’re set to return, set a few minutes aside (or do it as you’re getting ready for bed) where you give yourself a pep talk. You’re going to acknowledge ALL THE FEELINGS, allow yourself to cry and say whatever it is that you’re thinking and feeling, and then you’re going to remind yourself that this is all temporary. If you are in a position where going back to work isn’t a financial requirement, then give yourself permission to revisit it in a couple months. If you’re in a position where working is a requirement but you don’t like your job, give yourself permission to start looking in a few months. If you’re in a position where you’re excited to go back, give yourself permission to feel all the feels. This new phase takes time to figure out what works for everyone–and honestly? If it feels like it’s taking a long time to figure it out, you’re probably doing it right–it takes many months of trial and error before a mother feels like she has any semblance of normalcy to her work/life balance.
If you find that you’re not able to find a groove or feel like you’re struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for help.