Matrescence Series Part 2: Perinatal Flourishing, or, Why You’re Doing Better Than You Think!
I’m sure you’re well-versed in the unsolicited warnings people give you when you’re in the process of or have a child: you better get all the sleep you can now, just wait until they’re in the terrible twos!, enjoy your clean house while you can, or FINISH THIS. Although well-intentioned, these warnings are just not helpful. Even when a pregnancy or adoption or however you come to be a mother is wanted, it is still terrifying. I personally felt that I was putting enough pressure on myself to do this mothering thing well, I didn’t need the “advice” or comments from other people. I now sit in on postpartum groups from time to time and there are always women talking about how fearful they still feel about the hardships to come and how they’re going to manage without losing themselves. After having my kids, I started to feel frustrated at the lack of a fuller picture of the changes experienced in motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, there’s good reason for worry, but no one “warns” us of all the ways a woman can blossom throughout motherhood. I often stumble over my words about how and why these aforementioned women are already doing a great job in motherhood, they may feel the struggle, but they’re also evolving into better versions of themselves. Even the hard changes lay the groundwork for us to FLOURISH. Sometimes I’m met with skeptical nods, sometimes confident smiles–no matter if an expectant or new mom believes me, I wanted a framework in which to communicate how all of the changes can lead to good or helpful changes. I can’t help but wonder how it would have impacted me to find myself during pregnancy hearing the “warnings” of how much better of a multitasker I’ll become or how my tolerance for distress will increase once I have a baby (yes, even on those days you lose your sh*t on your toddler.)
Perinatal Flourishing is all of the subtle psychological gains that coexist with the difficulties throughout Matrescence. As recently as 2018, the World Health Organization “underscored the mental health of mothers as a fundamental component of their overall health, defining maternal well-being not merely as a reductionistic absence of mental illness, but as the capacity for flourishing.” It’s not enough to simply not have postpartum depression, but are you actually doing well? Do you have a semblance of quality to your life?
Before I say more, it’s important to note that there are many limitations to achieving perinatal flourishing–a lack of paid family leave, a lack of affordable quality childcare, and poor maternal health outcomes, especially for Black women, to name a few. If we want equitable flourishing for all, these things must be addressed. For many people, no matter how hard they try, there are systems in place to keep them down (if you’re wanting to help ALL mothers flourish, I highly recommend looking into joining your local Chamber of Mothers chapter to advocate for change.)
In her article, Athan outlines ten domains we undergo changes in when we have a child:
Biological
Neurological
Psychological
Social
Cultural
Economic
Moral
Ecological
Existential
Spiritual
If I were a first time mom reading this, I might panic a little bit. I know how scary it is to white-knuckle it through those early days, barely finding the time to pee or drink water. Early Matrescence might not be the time to think about your ever-changing sense of self, so take this information in lightly if that’s where you’re at. But when you do have the bandwidth to focus on this, remember that you’ve been here before, in adolescence, with a whole lot less awareness about yourself and the world than you do now. We’ve changed in all of these domains before, albeit, a couple decades ago.
How do these domains equate to flourishing? I think there are two concrete ways in which we can adopt a flourishing mindset: frame the changes in the above domains in a helpful way (helpful meaning, is this statement going to lead to me feeling better or worse about myself) and getting clear on what we value in life in each of those domains. A flourishing frame of mind for the biological changes could be something like, “the hormone prolactin helps breast milk come in and oxytocin is the love hormone that helps connect us to our baby–our bodies are amazing even though we’re also experiencing the hard hormonal changes.” Neurologically, we may feel we have that “mom brain,” making it hard to string two sentences together, but also, our brain changes “making it more efficient, empathetic, attuned, and socio-emotionally intelligent.” Psychological changes can make us more equipped to take on a more variety of roles, whether that’s in our friend circles or workplaces. After children, we are more tuned in socially, both to our own friendships and to our children’s–although this can create anxiety if not harnessed in a helpful way, attunement can be a very powerful tool. I’ve also seen (personally and professionally) our relationship to the natural world change, suddenly seeing every living thing as interconnected, making us more grateful and careful with how we treat our planet.
Doesn’t that all sound more flourishing?
In order to really thrive in Matrescence, we must also become well-versed in identifying what our values are and making sure our behaviors are in line with them, at least some of the time. I talk to my clients about their values all the time, no matter what the presenting problem is. For mothers though, the depth at which we talk about it seems deeper; whether or not we feel fulfilled in our values is very closely related to our sense of self, specifically, how far from ourselves we feel since becoming a mother. There’s this level of worry for most, regardless of how much motherhood was wanted, that “losing ourselves” is unavoidable. And I can’t blame us for feeling this way. I clog my social media feeds with all kinds of motherhood accounts. Anything from ways to identify postpartum depression to how to get your pelvic floor back–so many things to keep track of, little of which includes keeping track of ourselves. Where are the talks about perinatal flourishing? Where are the discussions with medical providers about all the ways in which having a child could make you a better, more well-rounded person? (For those who want to have children.)
There is opportunity for growth and change, in the most positive of ways, throughout matrescence. While I love that hard conversations are being had on social media, it can seem like a frontier of inevitable depression and anxiety. And while that might be a part of it for some people, it’s not the full picture. I think we do a disservice by only showing the bad (or similarly, only being toxically positive). There is so much work to do in the realm of needing a federal mandate for paid family leave and affordable childcare and how we can make matrescence more equitable and fair to those in underserved communities; but please, do yourself a favor and acknowledge how you’re flourishing.
Written By: Emily Lyon
Athan AM (2024) A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Front. Psychiatry 15:1364845. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1364845
Athan AM (2024) A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Front. Psychiatry 15:1364845. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1364845
Athan AM (2024) A critical need for the concept of matrescence in perinatal psychiatry. Front. Psychiatry 15:1364845. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1364845