Matrescence Series Part 3: Three Tips To Coping With Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
[Trigger warning: discussion about unpleasant thoughts in the postpartum period. Although this is a hard thing to deal with, I end it with a couple of strategies you can start using right now, so skip to the last paragraph if you’re just here for the tips! And of course, this information is not in place of your own personal therapy.]
For those who have struggled with any kind of anxiety disorder, you are well-versed in experiencing the great discomfort of intrusive thoughts. It’s those thoughts, emotions, memories, and even physical sensations that pop up into your consciousness and take over. Many people even experience a “freeze” response, unable to do anything except ruminate on what’s going on inside their mind. Generally speaking, postpartum intrusive thoughts are unwanted and we want them to stop not only because they’re unpleasant, but because it seemingly threatens our top priorities: keeping our baby safe and being a “good” mother.
Intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of postpartum OCD, but are also very common as a standalone experience that isn’t necessarily linked to OCD. For the purposes of this post, I’m focusing on intrusive thoughts as a standalone experience. If you feel like this resonates with you and that they are getting in the way of living your daily life, please reach out to your primary care doctor, OBGYN, and/or a therapist. Postpartum OCD is treatable.
It’s commonly known that up to 70% of new mothers will experience intrusive thoughts, and 50% of new moms report that the thoughts are related to intentionally harming the baby. For me, I hear these stats and immediately think that if these are so common, then surely there’s no way these types of thoughts are a reflection of whether or not someone is a good mother. The moment we have a baby we are flooded with the weight of the responsibility of keeping someone else alive; someone that depends on us to fulfill their every single need. [I think it’s helpful to simply acknowledge this fact because then it’s easier to have the start of acceptance–of course this is overwhelming!]
Some common postpartum intrusive thoughts:
The baby not breathing or dying of SIDS
You falling down the stairs while holding your baby
Drowning the baby while giving them a bath
The baby falling out of their car seat (or changing table or couch or whatever surface a baby can be)
You harming the baby either physically or sexually (whether accidentally, or on purpose)
Although this fact alone won’t necessarily make you feel better if you’re experiencing any of the above thoughts, one thing I think is important: if these thoughts are distressing to you, then as a therapist, I breathe a sigh of relief. There is a difference between having the aforementioned thoughts and not thinking it’s distressing versus having them and being bothered. If you are bothered by these thoughts then it’s not in line with who you really are or what you really believe. Distressing? Yes. Are you a horrible person for thinking about them? No. Are you doomed to have them forever? Not necessarily. (Remember, we are hardwired to protect our kids at all cost, this includes thinking through any and all scenarios that could do them harm).
We feel and do better when we are mentally flexible–when we can function in our day to day lives with a sense of openness (curiosity) to what we’re thinking or feeling, an awareness to the present moment in spite of what we’re thinking or feeling, and an ability to engage with the things that are important to us even when we’re thinking or feeling something that is unpleasant.
Although I know that you want strategies to make these thoughts go away, I can’t unfortunately promise you that learning and practicing these strategies will do just that. But I can promise you that learning and practicing these strategies will help you feel more mentally flexible, and when we’re more flexible to the things life throws our way, those thoughts that we don’t want tend to get quieter and less noticeable. Intrusive thoughts are an aspect of Matrescence that I tend to believe is unavoidable. We all want to be good mothers and combing through every possibility for harm is like our brain’s way of trying to prepare us for any situation possible. God bless them, our brains mean well but they don’t always generate the most helpful thoughts.
Noticing Your Thoughts. Some might recognize this as a mindfulness exercise and while it is certainly that, it’s more of an exercise to unhook ourselves from an intrusive thought. Unhooking from a thought is different than trying to reframe it or to think of it differently. Unhooking from a thought is like imagining that you’re reading a news ticker; the ones you see on the bottom of a morning show or like when we would hope to see our school’s name on the bottom of the nightly news letting us know it was closed for a snow day. Instead of the news, you’re watching your own thoughts pass by or pop up. I see the thought that the baby is going to stop breathing, the baby is going to fall out of my arms and smack the floor at the bottom of the steps, the kitchen knife could fly out of my hand… When we simply notice our thoughts, they become less intense and more fleeting.
Belly Breathing. When you notice the intrusive thought or thoughts, immediately start focusing on your breath. Put one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach. When you breathe in, you want the hand on your stomach to rise FIRST (this is different to how we normally breathe!) When you breathe out, exhale slowly, as if you were breathing out a straw until you can’t exhale any more. Do this 3-5 times.
Sleep. Or Walk Outside. Although it might seem obvious, and annoying (I’ve been known to roll my eyes at the suggestion of a nap or exercise), engaging in something else that’s outside of your intrusive thoughts might be enough to make them less noticeable. In fact, if you’re in an intrusive thought spiral, take that as a red flag that you need to get someone to sit with your baby so you can get a little rest or put the baby in the stroller and go for a 20-minute walk. Think: engaging fully in a different activity is the goal, not necessarily doing anything to change the thought itself.